January 1 Without Pain
GOOD MORNING!!!
Sorry, did I hurt your hung-over eyeballs?
I know it’s not morning. Sadly, I was forced to stay up last night, so I got up very late, and this is why I’m putting my first post up in the afternoon. Fireworks used to be illegal in Florida, except for those silly “snakes” and sparklers, but they have been legal for a while now, and the result is that we get explosions on New Year’s Eve, continuing uninterrupted until about 1 a.m. So that’s when I went to bed, and I got up at TEN. I hate it. If I go to bed at my usual hour, this day will be shorter than a typical 1950s gladiator movie.
My routine is messed up, but I feel great. I didn’t drink last night, and I didn’t smoke. I’ve decided I’m going to have a policy of avoiding New Year’s parties from now on. I just don’t like them. I don’t get drunk any more, so if I go to a New Year’s party, here’s what the experience will amount to: hanging out with drunks while I am sober. Whee. Fun.
I have noticed a funny thing about Christianity. Very often, you find you need to give things up for one reason or another, and at first it seems like you’re missing out, and then later you’re extremely glad you made the change. The New Year’s thing is an example of that.
I used to get invited to New Year’s parties, and I was grateful that people thought of me, and the parties weren’t too bad, but there was always a sense of debauchery and guilt. You screw up your sleep pattern, you get drunk, you may wind up with a major sexual sin, and the next day, if you have kids, you probably neglect them and snap at them. You may find yourself driving home drunk; be honest. And it’s expensive, for some reason. If you go out, I mean. Here in Miami, they have parties that start at maybe $125.
The first time I failed to receive an invitation, I felt a little left out, but now I’m glad I don’t celebrate. I avoid a lot of things that leave me feeling empty and sort of grimy.
Yesterday the true nature of New Year’s Eve became clear to me. Do you know what it is? It’s a bachelor party that ruins the beginning of the year. Seriously. Bachelor parties ruin the beginnings of marriages, and New Year’s parties make sure new years get off to terrible starts.
I’m not condemning all bachelor parties. If your buddies take you out for a nice steak, that’s wonderful. I’m talking about drunken parties, and especially parties with strippers, many of whom–sorry to tell you, ladies–are really prostitutes. Strippers rub men’s genitals, they perform sex acts on themselves and each other, they strip completely nude, they allow photography so your future husband can have something to hide from you later, and in some cases, they do extra favors on an a la carte basis. This is not something you want, at the beginning of a relationship. Or ever.
And how many grooms will admit their strippers are prostitutes? Probably a small percentage. Why start a marriage with a cover-up?
Brides resent that type of bachelor party, and they have every right to feel that way. It’s infidelity, just like taking a prostitute to a hotel. Even if the groom doesn’t touch the strippers, it’s deliberate, premeditated infidelity of the heart. It’s a bad idea. I’ll go farther. It’s a filthy and contemptible thing to do. It shows how little respect you have for your bride, and how little empathy you feel for her. It’s cruel. It’s proof you don’t deserve a good wife yet. I didn’t realize this when I was younger, but it’s very clear to me now.
Getting plastered on December 31 is similar, because it assures that you start the new year in a bad humor, with a fresh burden of pointless sin on your shoulders. And you might wake up with a DWI.
I have another observation about New Year’s parties. They seem to be intended to fill a hole in people’s lives. People have outrageous hopes for December 31. They scramble to find parties to go to, as if they expect to experience ecstasy. It’s as if getting bombed and dancing and losing all your inhibitions is such a tremendous blessing, you would be crazy to miss out. It’s as if people have so few moments of happiness, they can’t risk missing these parties. I don’t feel that way. Maybe that’s because I now have joy in my life, without getting hammered. To me, a drunken party is not a pleasure to be anticipated with eagerness. It’s a major inconvenience. A drag. Like standing in line to get a driver’s license renewed.
Of course, I didn’t always have this attitude. When I was in college, I looked forward to a good drinking binge the way prisoners look forward to parole. I’ve probably gotten drunk as recently as 2007. And while I thought it was wrong to have strippers and filth at bachelor parties, I didn’t think it was a big deal.
Beginnings are important, and they are fragile, and we should protect them instead of treating them with contempt. That’s what I think. So keep the Champagne fountain and the rented limo; I prefer to get my rest so I can enjoy the next day.
Yesterday I said this holiday had no religious significance, and for the vast majority of people, this is true, but readers have chimed in with two corrections. First, some churches celebrate something called the Feast of Circumcision (a truly unfortunate name for a holiday), and some spend time honoring Mary. You learn something new every day. Well, every week, anyway. Most weeks.
I hope most of you are hangover-free today, so you can enjoy yourselves. The weather is gorgeous here in Miami.